Someone

And it is now that I lay down that I realize that I need her,, i need her to talk to me, to tell me that its not me who’s insane, but the rest of the world that has gone crazy,.. that I’m all right,, that I’ll be all right. It is now that I need to  tell her what she means to me, that I need to hear from her that she values me,, even if it is nothing more than a lie,, just spoken to keep me sane.

It is now that I need a friend, it s now that I need someone… anyone at all,, it is now that I need them close to me,, comforting me,,, so that the nightmares will not return, so that I shall be able to sleep again,, so that I feel that all is not lost, there is still someone who needs me… someone who can help me…

Who?? What??

Who is my frnd?? And more importantly, who is not?? Is the one who knows me by face, who acknowledges my presence with a nod, a nod that is used to acknowledge friend and foe alike.. is he my frnd?? Or am I his enemy?? Does the nod mean “I have your back”, or does he mean “I’m coming to get you”?? What does it mean? In fact, does it mean anything at all, or is it just the happiness of having found something familiar, a familiar face, with no regard whatsoever to the person beneath the mask of skin and bones.

And who, now is my good friend?? Is it the one I seek to be close to?? But does that mean that person is my close frnd?? Is it the one who shares with me all the good moments of life, but withdraws into a shell whenever something bad happens,, biding her time, waiting for the bad times to pass, before coming out n talking to me again? Or is it the one who shares all the bad times with me, but forgets in the good times? Or is it the one who does all this.. sharing good n bad times,, n shutting me out whenever they feel like..

They say a good frnd is one who turns to u in time of need, and a true frnd one who helps.. but what if they turn to me only in their times of need?? Am I a frnd, or just someone who they trust will get them out of trouble.. carry them home after a night of partying, wake up and listen to their troubles at 4 in the morning and sugest something?? Am I a frnd or just a means of support.. a means of getting out the anger contained within,, so that it does not burn down the others who matter more.. am I a “good frnd”, or a expendable acquaintance..

And what about the one who shares all the good times, and shuts out in the bad ones.. do they not trust me?? Or do they fear I would not come up to what they feel I’d do, and are saving themselves from this.. or are they saving me?? The one who shuts me out whenever it feels like.. one moment it’s a torrent, and the next,, nothing at all..

Who is who?? Who is what?? And more importantly?? Who and what am I?? to them, to the others,, to myself…

...

I lay on the bed, a strange feeling overpowering me. Not the usual feelings of frustration, sadness, happiness etc ; but a different feeling. As if I was just floating, weightless and numb. And numb I was. I could feel everything, from the gentle wisps of the air due to the fan, to the buzzing of some insect trying to pry its way in thru the window. And yet I was unable to react, as if all my powers over my body were gone. Unable to move my body, unable to think, just lying there, feeling the world move about its business around me, enjoying the sensation of feeling nothing, yet the torment of sensing everything at once. Had there been a murderer in the room; I might have felt ever single drop of blood leave my body, slowly fading away to history, but would have been unable to do so. It was not unlike Pink in Comfortably Numb, in a haze, yet unable or unwilling to get out of it, and reach out to the “sane” world..

(No, I was not drunk or under the influence of any drugs at the time, or any other time in my life for that matter.)

Last night was a revelation. A revelation that it’s not just me who feels angry frustrated sad lonely, lamenting the way things once were and the way they no longer are. It made me happy. After all, I’m not the only lunatic in the world.. and it made me sad, sad to think that a friend might be going down the same way of chronic depression the way I have. And does that person have what it takes to bear it and present a normal, disguised face to the world that is by and large unscathed by these feelings? Will the one shut out to the world like I did, or will the emotions boil out, and burn everyone they touch?

Life..

“How I wish, how I wish you were here….” The mesmerizing songs by Pink Floyd played out one by one on his phone. He lay calm and still on the roof, just staring at the stars, as he had been doing for the better part of the past two hours. A sudden noise brought him back to his senses, and moving to the edge of the roof, he discovered it was yet another birthday celebration, yet another guy being kicked and shoved for having made the cardinal sin of having being born into this world.

He returned to what had become his pastime months ago, when he had simply climbed up the roof while talking to a friend, and had come to like the peace and silence prevalent there. “Lost in thoughts, and lost in time..” started another song, and he smiled at the words which aptly described what he had been doing there, ignoring other matters that demanded his attention, but ignored for the time being, till he had had his fill of doing nothing. Nothing was wrong with him, he claimed; he just enjoyed the silence as much as the time spent with his friends, but deep down inside, he knew what had been haunting him.

It was his last year in that college. In a few months time, he’d be free of the place he had loathed for the past four years of his life, finding faults with everything, and pretty much everyone. He knew he’s probably never return to that place, and was happy about it. He would not miss the place. Yes, he would miss his friends, but then what are phones, e-mails and Facebook for, he wondered. In fact, he would probably not even miss his friends, except for two or three close ones, with whom he’d stay in touch. The rest would be forgotten as soon as he stepped out of the college.

Flipping thru the images on his phone, he came to stop at one. There they were, the two of them, great friends since school, standing together in the pouring rain, completely drenched, laughing their hearts out at some joke when Snehil had clicked this pic. A faint smile crossed his lips, the next moment replaced by a frown and a complete change of mood, as he remembered the day the two of them had been out for a movie and dinner, when his life changed forever.

One moment she was standing there; the next, she was flung a hundred metres in the air, and the immeasurable distance between life and death. The explosion threw him off balance; shrapnel struck every part of his body. Wincing in pain, he just lay there, as smoke filled his lungs and people shouted about. Somewhere, he could hear a child crying, probably besides the lifeless body of her mother. He did not know for how long he lay there, in that beautiful sensation between life and death, between consciousness and sleep. When he came to his senses, he was still lying in the same puddle of mud and blood. A bodyless arm lay across his chest, which he shrug off, recoiling in horror, as the reality of what had happened dawned upon him.

He found her, rather what was left of her body, lying among scores of other dead and dying. The wailing siren and flashing lights was the last thing he saw before he passed out, only to wake up in a room with huge machines and his anxious parents looking at him. He had survived, but many others had not, and she was one of them. The only solace he could offer himself was that at least death came quickly to her, unlike many others, who suffered before the angel of death mercifully took them under his shelter.

His right hand instinctively came to feel his left arm, which at one point he was afraid he might lose. But then, it would have been nothing as compared to the loss he had suffered. He fumbled for his phone, chose another song, and lay back again. That had happened three years ago, and yet it felt as if just a day had passed. Snehil too was no more; his dead body was found 5 km from the point where he had slipped into the river when out on a trip with friends.

The hostel was by now still, the silence broken only by faint sounds of laughter and singing. Probably a party was going on in the other block. And he still lay there, just thinking about his life, how he had lost two of the people closest to him in a span of an year– one a friend, the other his brother. How often had he thought of jumping from the very same roof, landing on the barbed fencing below, ensuring he would not survive, knowing that freedom from misery would be painful but quick. What had stopped him each time had been some words Snehil had said once when they were just sitting and talking about life. “The living are more important than the dead. I do not understand why people spend their entire lives thinking about those that have left them, ignoring those still besides them, alienating them. Why do people fail to move on in life, when they know that the person would have wanted them to do so. Why do people kill themselves on the death of a loved one, when they know it would cause further agony to the others”. Every time he had thought of ending his life, he had been reminded of those words, and every single time, he had banished the idea from his mind, only for it to resurface again after a couple to days, and the process to be repeated.

He lay there for some more time, thinking about nothing, pondering over everything, feeling sleepy, when his phone rang. Swearing at the person who might be calling, he picked up the phone, only for a smile to drift across his lips as he read the name. The two of them had become good friends in the past year, and he thought he even liked her, but was not very sure. She was one of the few people who could pull him out of the worst of moods in a moment, and he held the same power over her. She always called him when feeling low or needing any kind of help, and he had never disappointed her, and never even intended to do so in the future. In an instant the true meaning of Snehil’s words dawned upon him. He knew why he had survived the blast that evening; he knew he would be absolutely fine, he instinctively understood he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this girl; he knew he would be able to survive anything that life threw at him. With a smile, and a glad heart, he accepted her call, knowing fully well that it would be at least an hour before he put down the phone and went off to sleep. But he did not mind it today, for today was the day that he’d come to know what his life actually was all about.

GOD

It was a small town, moving into the 21^st century, around 10 year after it had started for the rest of the world. Everywhere there were sign of change. Landlords were selling their land to property developers; construction firms taking up projects to build offices and residential complexes for the IT City which was to come up near this sleepy town. It was as if the residents of the town had suddenly woken up from decades long slumber.

Both of them were residents of the same town, one was born here, the family of the other had moved in when he was 5, and they had been best buddies ever since. The ground near their houses, where they had played cricket, football, and what not with the other kids, where they went whenever they felt down had just been sold by the landlord to a construction company for construction of a residential complex cum shopping mall. The sound of bulldozers, earth movers and the chatter of the labourers was a constant pain in their ears.

One day, one of them had a plan, a plan to have some fun at the expense of the fiercely religious neighbours of theirs. So, both of them went at the middle of the night, and buried the things in the construction area. One contained a rosary and a figurine of a Hindu God with some red powder sprayed liberally over it, the other packet contained a cloth, the kind which is offered at shrines. Both were buried within metres of each other, such that both of them would be discovered the next day when the work resumed.

As they expected, both items were discovered the next day, and the news spread like wild fire in the town. People of both sects began to assemble at the site, wishing to offer prayers. The construction work had to be stopped; police was called to control the zealous public. The next day, it was announced that the construction work would continue, and people of both sects could move the items to any location they desired. This was just what the local leaders needed just before the approaching elections, especially when the hugely popular and undefeated sitting representative had announced that he would not be contesting the next elections due to his old age and falling health. Leaders from both the parties saw this as an opportunity to stake claim to the party ticket, and then a victory in the elections.

One party leader expressed his shock at the fact that the company and government were so callous in their outlook towards places of worship and the religious sentiments of the majority of the public, adding that to him the items looked like the remains of a centuries old temple there, which might have been destroyed by the rulers of the other religion. The leader of the opposition camp declared that a shrine had existed there, and in fact, his grandfather used to tell him that their family used to offer prayers at the shrine. Both the sides staked claim to construction of a place of worship there, and obtained a court order prohibiting the company from further construction there.

Both the parties started to ask for support of the public to build the temple or shrine, and staked claim that it should be the sanctuary of their religion that ought to be built. The government was quick to interfere, primarily because it was afraid that any unwanted occurrences in an election year would severely hamper its chances of getting into office again. It proposed that both the communities divide the land into two equal parts, and construct the temple and shrine, hoping to please all. But, the parties did not agree. Both claimed that they should be given the full land for construction; each began to mobilize their cadre for strikes and shows of strength, each declaring that the community it represented had a better claim over the land and that the land should be transferred to it.

The meeting of one party was attacked by the followers of the other, and this incident got blown up into full scale riots, with both sides asking people to fight for their faith. The police were unable to control the riots, so army had to be called. The media found a good opportunity to boost their TRPs and sent journalists. Within a week, 14 people were dead, and over 42 injured.

Both the friends were shocked at this development, never having expected the consequences to be such even in their wildest nightmares. They immediately organised a press conference and admitted that it had been their action, explaining how they had planted the items to have some fun at the expense of the public, and had never imagine the outcome would be this. They apologised for their actions and pleaded for both sides to stop the hostilities.

Contrary to their expectations, their claims were not accepted by anyone. Both the warring sides pronounced them as liars and cheaters who were just trying to sell out the interests of the community to the other side, for both of them belonged to different communities. The enmity continued. Visits by the top leaders of both communities further fuelled the fire, and mercenaries were brought from outside to help the cause of both the sides. Each week saw death toll rise in double figures, with property destruction on the rise.

Seven years have passed since this incident. Both the boys move out of town, unable to watch the outcome of what they did as a gag. One of them committed suicide two years ago, unable to cope up with depression; the other has become old before time, and suffered a stroke last year. He still is asking both the factions to ease up the hostilities, pleading that it all had been their handiwork. But there is no one to listen to him. Both parties are busy reaping the benefits of communal tension. The town still is locked in the 20^th century. The IT City project has been allotted to another city. Even today, each year many die due to the riots. The location is still surrounded by wires and guarded by the army.

Echoes....

He sat on his table, stunned. For a full minute he could not believe what he had just heard was true. It felt as if someone had sucked the air out of the room. Bit by bit, he recovered, and replaced the receiver of the telephone. He knew it was coming, he had known it for the better part of the past decade, yet had never imagined that the news would have such an enormous effect on him. He leaned back on the chair in despair, and let out a sigh of pain and anguish. He had just lost the first love of his life.

His thoughts raced back fourteen years, back to the day when he had first seen her, the day when he’d talked to her for the first time. It was in class eleven, a couple of days after their class ten board examinations result was announced, wherein he had reaffirmed his reputation by finishing as the topper of the state. It had been 2 weeks since the session had begun. Then, she’d entered the classroom. She was a new student, new to the school, new to the city. She was introduced as Ms. Aarushi Goel, daughter of an Army Colonel. All the boys of the class had been staring intently at her, the girls conscious of her beauty and the attention she was getting from the guys.

The only vacant seat had been next to him. So she came and sat down there. He, being the topper of the batch, was asked by the teacher to help her in the portions of the course already covered. She smiled at him, placing down her carry bag next to him and settling down. He responded with a half-hearted smile amid winks and whispers from his friends on how lucky he was to her sitting beside him.

He helped her in the classes the rest of the day, and learnt that she had studied for the past three years in another state, and that she also possessed a keen intellect like him. The next day, disregarding the vacant places in the class, she again came and sat beside him. Soon, they had become good friends. Classmates never got tired of gossips regarding them, and they, well they both had never cared for what people had to speak about them. She had become the closest friend h had ever had, the person he was the closest to in the world, second only to his sister.

The intercom had been ringing for the past 5 minutes now, but he had not bothered to pick it up. Rather, he was so lost in the chain of thoughts that he had not even been aware that it had been ringing. Concerned, his secretary entered the room. The sight stunned her; she just stood at the doorway for few moments before she recovered. Her boss of three months, the liveliest person she had ever seen, a person whom she had always seen sharing all his joys and sorrows with his colleagues, was crying. Tears ran down his face, while new ones emerged almost instantaneously. He seemed to be in a state of trance; his eyes had that faraway look of a person deeply engrossed in thought, yet showcased a pain and throbbing that she had never witnessed before.

She hastily went to him and shook him, fearing the worst. He just looked blankly at her for a moment or two before managing to say “I’m all right, don’t worry. Just leave me alone.” “But Sir, you …” “I said leave me alone. And cancel all my appointments for today.” “Sir, are you sure you are all right? Maybe you should go home…” “Don’t you tell me what to do. I said I’m all right. Now please just leave me alone for the love of God.” She just stood up, shaking at the way he talked to her, her eyes brimming with tears. As she entered the door, she heard him say “I’m sorry. Just lost a close friend of mine.” What else could he say to her? Would she understand? For that matter, would anyone ever understand the place she held in his heart?

His thoughts drifted back to her. Since the school picnic, when she had declared in front of all their friends that he was her dearest friend, he had been thinking about her. He felt that she liked him. He liked her, that he was sure of. But did she? Or did she just consider him as just another friend? But how would he find out? It was his sister who had solved the problem. He acted as she told him to. She came to meet him in a restaurant. It was the 7^th of November, with a cool breeze blowing outside, bringing in the sweet scent of the approaching winter. She looked amazing in the blue suit. How vividly he still remembers that day, he smirked at himself and lamented at his photographic memory. They had not ordered much. He was not hungry, and in any case, he would not have been able to eat even if he were dying of hunger at that moment.

She had immediately sensed something was amiss. He had slowly told her that he liked her, stammering and sweating. She had listened intently, with the expression on her face changing from one of interest to one of despondency and finally, by the time he had managed to finish, she wore an expression that screamed “I knew you would get down to this one day! This is entirely impossible.” Seeing that, he knew all was lost, but hung on to the hope that it was not true. She sat silent for a full minute, a minute that seemed like ages to him.

Then she spoke “I knew one day you were going to do this. I knew deep within…. But I have no hard feelings for you. I’m glad that you chose to speak to me, but I have always looked at you as a friend, nothing else… Never…” And she was out of there in an instant. He sat there, as if frozen in his seat, feeling just the way he felt this day. But something did not feel right. A fleeting expression on her face while she spoke had filled him with doubts as to whether she had been speaking the truth or not. He decided to confront her the next day. But she did not come to school the next day, or the rest of the week. He could not muster the courage to call her, and learnt from others that she was sick.

The next day, for the first time, she did not sit beside him, but went and sat at the other end of the class. During a free class, he found her sitting alone and confronted her.

“I know what you said that day was not true. Why did you do it?”

“Look, whatever I said that day was entirely true. Now please leave me alone.” She shot back, but her looks betrayed her, so did the tears in the eyes.

“I know it. Just because you are the daughter of a colonel, while I am the son of a middle class shopkeeper. Isn’t it?”

“That’s not the truth.”

“Then what is the truth? Tell me”

“Believe me, you do not want to know the truth. You are better off without it. Please go now.”

“I am not going anywhere until I know the truth, and you know I mean it.”

“Fine…. Listen then. I feel the same way about you as you do about me. You are the best guy I have ever met. You are the closest person to me. But I have not told you one thing. It was two years ago. I had gone to my uncle’s house for the summer vacations. One day, I fell from the roof of the house, a fall of 3 stories. I had lost quite a lot of blood, and the doctors had to transfuse blood to keep me alive. The blood, the blood had not been tested properly prior to transfusion. It was HIV positive. And so am I now.”

He looked at her, but his eyes penetrated her and looked at something beyond her. They were looking at an epitome of strength. He immediately understood why she often seemed to be lost into another world, why sometimes she would cry at no reason at all, while at other times would laugh out loudly at even the smallest of jokes. She had been living life to the fullest, staring death in the face.

“I feel the same way as you do, Snehil”, she continued among sobs “but I just cannot. It would be wrong of me to know all this and yet ask you to spend your life with me. I simply cannot. I hope you understand, and also that we can still be good friends.” She had gone away after that, still crying, while he sat there, not knowing what to say or do. But he knew what he had to do. That evening, he visited her home, and had a long conversation with her parents. Later, he went to her room. She was crying on her bed, the pillow wet with her tears. He had simply told her that he was sorry for having said all that he had, for having hurt her. He told her that he was there with her, and that he loved her. For the first time, she had hugged him, weeping and entreating him not to let out this secret of hers. He had promised to keep it a secret, and he had. It was she who had broken the silence, telling all their classmates about her impending death 7 years later during a reunion.

Their friendship had grown even stronger since then. They had become nearly inseparable in school.  And he would walk her home every evening after school. Although he had sensed something bothering her, she had not revealed it to him despite his having inquired a number of times.  The day after their exams finished, she had unexpectedly called him to meet in the same restaurant; they sat at the same table as they had on that fateful day 4 months ago. She had then revealed the news to him. Her father had been promoted. He congratulated her, but could not understand the reason behind the sadness. Then, she told him the full news. Her father had been promoted, and transferred. They were to leave the following weekend.  She would not be coming to school from the next day. He was devastated. And finally, she and her family had left.

But, she had not exited his life. They were still in touch through phone calls and letters. It was she who had really motivated him to go for the most prestigious colleges in the country. He had not let her down. He had not let his parents, teachers, friends and well-wishers down. He had been selected into the IIT in the first attempt. Being now closer to her home, he would go to her house every month, and share the weekend with her family. It was like second home for him. He had again left the competition far behind to obtain admission into the prestigious MIT for his MS. All this time, she had been the guiding force behind him, like a guarding angel.

During the end of his first year there, he had helped a classmate being troubled by some ruffians, and they became friends. They used to go out, and her roommate Genelia would accompany them sometimes. They discovered similar tastes, and soon felt a mutual attraction. A faint smile came upon his lips on remembering the expression on Aarushi’s face when he had told her that it was actually the roommate of the girl he had saved that he was in love with. She had even attended their marriage despite being unwell after the latest infection.

That had been a year ago. Not the last time they had met, that would be almost 3 months ago, when he and Genelia had visited India in order to look for a suitable house to buy after his long anticipated transfer to Pune had been announced. The three of them had spent such great time together. The two weeks had passed like a breeze of fresh air. By now his eyes were red, but tears continued to flow. It seemed there was nothing that could stop them, nothing could dry the tears. At that very moment, Genelia walked in through the door, followed by Stacy, his secretary. Genelia hugged him. For a moment or two, he was unable to speak.  Then he spoke “She’s no more! Aarushi! She’s gone.” He was unable speak anything else. She understood everything, even what he did not say, and consoled him, asking Stacy to get them two tickets to the next flight to Chennai.

His mind wandered back to the time he had asked Aarushi if he would ever fine anyone, and she had replied in her usual mocking manner “Yes you will, and that girl will be the best you will have ever met.” Second best, he thought to himself, and got up and walked out of his cabin, helped by his wife.