Someone

And it is now that I lay down that I realize that I need her,, i need her to talk to me, to tell me that its not me who’s insane, but the rest of the world that has gone crazy,.. that I’m all right,, that I’ll be all right. It is now that I need to  tell her what she means to me, that I need to hear from her that she values me,, even if it is nothing more than a lie,, just spoken to keep me sane.

It is now that I need a friend, it s now that I need someone… anyone at all,, it is now that I need them close to me,, comforting me,,, so that the nightmares will not return, so that I shall be able to sleep again,, so that I feel that all is not lost, there is still someone who needs me… someone who can help me…

Who?? What??

Who is my frnd?? And more importantly, who is not?? Is the one who knows me by face, who acknowledges my presence with a nod, a nod that is used to acknowledge friend and foe alike.. is he my frnd?? Or am I his enemy?? Does the nod mean “I have your back”, or does he mean “I’m coming to get you”?? What does it mean? In fact, does it mean anything at all, or is it just the happiness of having found something familiar, a familiar face, with no regard whatsoever to the person beneath the mask of skin and bones.

And who, now is my good friend?? Is it the one I seek to be close to?? But does that mean that person is my close frnd?? Is it the one who shares with me all the good moments of life, but withdraws into a shell whenever something bad happens,, biding her time, waiting for the bad times to pass, before coming out n talking to me again? Or is it the one who shares all the bad times with me, but forgets in the good times? Or is it the one who does all this.. sharing good n bad times,, n shutting me out whenever they feel like..

They say a good frnd is one who turns to u in time of need, and a true frnd one who helps.. but what if they turn to me only in their times of need?? Am I a frnd, or just someone who they trust will get them out of trouble.. carry them home after a night of partying, wake up and listen to their troubles at 4 in the morning and sugest something?? Am I a frnd or just a means of support.. a means of getting out the anger contained within,, so that it does not burn down the others who matter more.. am I a “good frnd”, or a expendable acquaintance..

And what about the one who shares all the good times, and shuts out in the bad ones.. do they not trust me?? Or do they fear I would not come up to what they feel I’d do, and are saving themselves from this.. or are they saving me?? The one who shuts me out whenever it feels like.. one moment it’s a torrent, and the next,, nothing at all..

Who is who?? Who is what?? And more importantly?? Who and what am I?? to them, to the others,, to myself…

...

I lay on the bed, a strange feeling overpowering me. Not the usual feelings of frustration, sadness, happiness etc ; but a different feeling. As if I was just floating, weightless and numb. And numb I was. I could feel everything, from the gentle wisps of the air due to the fan, to the buzzing of some insect trying to pry its way in thru the window. And yet I was unable to react, as if all my powers over my body were gone. Unable to move my body, unable to think, just lying there, feeling the world move about its business around me, enjoying the sensation of feeling nothing, yet the torment of sensing everything at once. Had there been a murderer in the room; I might have felt ever single drop of blood leave my body, slowly fading away to history, but would have been unable to do so. It was not unlike Pink in Comfortably Numb, in a haze, yet unable or unwilling to get out of it, and reach out to the “sane” world..

(No, I was not drunk or under the influence of any drugs at the time, or any other time in my life for that matter.)

Last night was a revelation. A revelation that it’s not just me who feels angry frustrated sad lonely, lamenting the way things once were and the way they no longer are. It made me happy. After all, I’m not the only lunatic in the world.. and it made me sad, sad to think that a friend might be going down the same way of chronic depression the way I have. And does that person have what it takes to bear it and present a normal, disguised face to the world that is by and large unscathed by these feelings? Will the one shut out to the world like I did, or will the emotions boil out, and burn everyone they touch?